People. Stupid fucking people.

While driving to my Naval recruiting meeting today, I came to a realization: Driving on the roads makes me hate people so much more than Facebook ever could.

Last week when driving across the state to pick up some mail and visit some friends, I took the highway, as one would expect. I could have sworn it was national Everyone Piss Me Off Day coupled with Everyone Drive On The Left Lane Day. The sheer amount of people hugging the left lane was incredible, but that's not why I hated everyone that day. The traffic was so fucking inconsistent that the speeds of the faster-speed left-hand-lane varied between 60 and 88 MPH. The 88 MPH courtesy of TomTom Navigational System. I had to drive the full 2,5 hours with my foot on the pedal instead of being able to use cruise control.

And then today. Some dipshit pulled out of a parking lot in town; no big deal. What was a big deal and only helped contribute to the worst road rage I've ever had was this: They proceeded to swing wide, off the road into the parallel parking places, which luckily they were empty because this asshole drive through every single spot, swung wide back into the road, crossing over the double-yellow (something I forgot to tell Erika while I vented earlier), and stopped at the stop sign, once again back in the correct lane. With no opposing traffic coming, and the lack of a turn signal, this maniacal driver then took the turn at what seemed to be about a mile or two per hour, a right turn I might add. Now on a 30-MPH strip, a measly 18 or 20 MPH was all they decided to drive. I was fortunate in turning only a quarter mile down the road. As I was leaving town and also leaving the 25-zones, it picked up to 35, then 45 MPH over the course of 2 miles.

Someone once again pulls out in front of me, and once again contributed to my road rage. Driving at 35 MPH in a 45 zone, then bumping up to 40-45, in the 55 zone, they held traffic up so much that I had a school bus tailgating me. It's just goddamn depressing when a school bus feels the need to tailgate. Unluckily for me, the slow-asshole led my course all the way into town, forcing me to either burst an aneurism that was likely forming in my brain or turn earlier than my route meant to. To top it off, on my way home, I was once again stuck behind someone doing more than 10 under the speed limit. Why are there so many stupid people driving? Or am I just very easily angered on the road?

Three days ago, I drove across Michigan at 11:30 AM, going back to Lake Michigan and Holland to visit the closest friend I made at school. We hung out for a bit, ordered pizza. Went and met up with our friend whom was there for the summer doing research. Hung out with Kevin (researcher) and our friend Brady at Kevin's summer apartment. Around 8:30, Reed got off of work and joined us. Nikki, Brady's girlfriend got into town about quarter after 9. We all hung out for a bit, I facetime'd with Chelsea; caught up with her after having not talking since school got out. We all went and saw World War Z at 10:30 - it was awesome by the way.

Then two days ago, Friday, was my dog's birthday. To celebrate, I took a slice of bread, smothered it in peanut butter and gave it to her. Gave her a 15-minute scratch-down and catered to everything she seemed to want. Meaning I let her in and out of the house.

Which brings me to recapping yesterday. I got up early, when my dad decided to mow the lawn. 8:30 or something. So not super early, but early enough to make my day feel long. I sat around and did nothing all day. Well, most of the day. I spent several quality hours talking to Erika. Pat stopped by our voice-chat server and caught up with him. Him, Peter, and I spent like 2 hours on Google Maps showing each other where we lived and making fun of Peter for living in Chinatown of Boston. I then stayed up until after 4AM playing Skyrim for PC, filled with mods since that's the only way to still tolerate playing the game.

And now today. I woke up close to 1, showered, brushed my tooths - all that good stuff. Sat outside at the lake for almost an hour, reading my book. Got hungry and went inside to eat, but while cooking my food decided to sign up to give blood and just now realized I forgot my food in the microwave, from like 2 hours ago. Time to eat, finish the last 200 or so pages of my book, and probably play more Skyrim. I probably need a hobby, or at least a job.

It's 3 PM, I've done nothing productive for the second day in a row. Although I didn't really do much after I got home Sunday afternoon, so maybe it's considered the third day. After getting up at 1 today, having decided several times that it was too early to get up before then, I felt like sharing.

Last night I got the chance to talk to a friend of mine from sophomore year - a friends I've scarcely seen or talked to since then. We spent some time catching up; she's back with a guy she dated last year - I've got a girlfriend now. Erika made the most delicious cupcakes I've ever had. That kind of thing.

Well, I filled Julie, my friend, in on how I was officially enlisted in the Navy, and how I was accepted into the Nuke program, and when I'm done with that, I'd like to try to make the SEALs. She told me that she's considering the National Guard or Army, but could never do the SEALs. Sucks, but it's true, that women can't do SEALs anyway - all those periods and things that cripple women makes them ineligible. This sparked the typical teenage response: suck my dick. My reply? First: congratulations on growing a penis. That's a new development since the last time I saw you. Second: I will not suck it, but Espo [her boyfriend] might; depending on how kinky you two get.

It was a hilarious conversation; and if you don't find it funny, well, you can suck my dick - not hers.  Or if you really want to, you can probably suck hers too.

More on narcissism and being an asshole

Today was the closest I have to a best friend's graduation party. I've known him my whole life, I've scarcely seen him for the last six months, and he leaves in 2 weeks for basic boot camp for the Marines. Now with all of this being true, I was a bigger asshole to him today than I think I've ever been before. I treated him like absolute shit, on the day meant to be his. I yelled at him, poured ice-cold water down his neck, hit him in the face with my sandal (an epic shot, I might add). I beat him with a badminton racquet, although he deserved that one for being a dick to his girlfriend.

I met his girlfriend for the first proper time today. She was nicer than I've ever given her credit for - I'd always marked her off as kind of a bitch for always eating up his time, a mis-preconception of mine. We hung out with some friends for a few hours, complaining about how he spends too much time with his recent church friends, and how he's got too flirty of friendships with the girls, how he spends too much time with them and not with Sam - his girlfriend.

Later, Sam and I ended up going to the movies, after he ducked out because he wanted even more time with the church-cult, after having spent nearly the entire grad party hanging out with them and practically ignoring Sam. We saw The Purge - a new movie. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it; don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it.

I got home and texted Erika back, since she texted me while I was in the theater. We talked for a little, and I filled her in on my day. After telling her about the movies with Sam, and how I might hang out with her after Kyle leaves, so that I don't intrude on what time those two have together, she decided she needed to stop talking. I can't help but feel like it was something I said, even if she gives me a brave and pretty smile - telling me it's her and not me. Despite that, it still feels like I did something wrong, adding to my feeling of being an asshole of epic proportions today. Narcissism is covered in yet another post about me - ugh. I'm not just an asshole, I'm apparently a narcissistic one, too.

The Illogic of Americans

Americans are quite easily the dumbest race/nation of the world. We created pet rocks, while our German population created the A-bomb and Hydrogen bomb. Last year I saw a news article of a woman who drove on the sidewalk to avoid stopping behind a bus. On the 27th, I was tailgated by some asshole on the highway while doing 85. Now the first are stupidity, the last is just an asshole driver who needs to be run off the road and crushed by a semi-truck, but he's beside the point. Americans are so illogical that I cease to be amazed anymore. We in particular seem to feel the need to counteract doing something healthy, like exercising, with something unhealthy. For example, yesterday my brother went for a run. What's he do when he gets back? Make dinner. Seems harmless enough, right? Well, for dinner he started with fried chicken sandwich, then cracked open a beer, then ate probably-fried mini calzones, and ended with pizza. No vegetables or fruits. Just fat and grease. I'm no exception. Earlier today I went for a run, came back inside and what did I eat? Fried chicken sandwich - it was delicious I might add. But at least I didn't include beer, calzones, and pizza. Nope, I had applesauce and carrots with a small glass of milk and a large glass of water for my lunch. But seriously, us Americans are derptards.

An extra bit of my own derp-ness to add: Only an American would attempt to pick up and eat his food as it comes out of the oven and then proceed to call his food an asshole for burning him. Man am I good.

Updates and Narcissism

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because it's summer and I was busy with enlistment and that kind of thing; but that's only the half-truth. I really just ran out of things to write about. And normally I hate even talking about myself, let alone publishing anything about myself since it makes me feel like a narcissistic asshole.

This past weekend, Memorial Weekend, my girlfriend came down and spent a few days with my family. So far, it's made my summer. I've been off from school for almost a month now and I've done nothing I wanted to do up until she came and visited; it was all fulfilling the needs of enlisting to the Navy and catering to the demands of my parents.

But now that she's gone, my summer feels utterly disappointing and despondent again. Since getting home after driving her home and spending several more quality hours with her on Monday evening, I have done naught but sit around and play video games and talk with my going-on-three-year gaming buddy, Peter. Granted the weather has been shitty - meaning raining - making it difficult to go outside and exercise and that is quite possibly a main reason why I'm so lethargic lately. For example, yesterday was nice, bright, and sunny. As soon as I got ready to go for a nice run; it was all of the sudden pouring rain. Disappointment was an understatement.

A little more about my life is my computer. I love my computer; I've invested probably $2000 if not more into it. I know the hardware inside and out, meaning I can take apart my computer case, pull every piece of hardware out; strip it down to nothing, and put it back together again with ease. For the past couple of days though, I've been debating whether or not to invest in a better cooling fan for my processor. With summer heat, my computer is getting warmer than I'd like it to when I play games, and that's not counting the other programs (ie: Firefox, Pandora, sometimes iTunes, TeamSpeak, Steam).

And I really need a job for the summer. All my money-spending is killing my bank and I can't say I like it. I'm nowhere near broke, but my funds are much lower than I'd like them to be. Plus, I'd just like to have a little extra cash to spend on Erika.

Twisted Thoughts and Conflicting Ideas

I've spent most of my life living in the moment. I never enjoyed thinking about the future and the past is passed, so I always tried my best not to dwell on it. I've never doubted my beliefs or challenged my own ideas or way of thinking. And while I do not believe in any real religion, the closest I affiliate myself with is Atheism. Growing up in a loose Christian household, I was raised by semi-religious parents whom enjoyed forcing my elder brother and I to attend church every Sunday for far too many years. I realized at an early age that I despised these required weekly visits. They were dreadfully boring and quite stupid. At nine, ten, or maybe even eleven years old, I attended a Christian camp called Spring Hill. At the time, I thought I held belief in a god. I prayed with the other campers, but I wasn't devoted. It was more of a ritualistic obligation; a chore I completed so that I could move on. Around twelve or thirteen years of age, I realized why prayer was only an obligation and church attendance was a chore that I did not enjoy doing. The epiphany that hit my adolescent mind was this: I didn't believe in it. I held no belief that there was a god. Jesus 'Christ' may or may not have really existed - I couldn't and still can't say and really don't care whether he did or did not. On the off chance that 2000 years ago there was a guy named Jesus Christ who was born to parents named Mary and Joseph, despite the fact that these are Americanized names and not the Arabic cultural names of the time; I hold no belief that in the off-chance this person truly existed, that he was the son of 'god.' The idea of some higher power that directs and controls the flow of reality is such an absurd notion in my mind that I've never doubted or questioned by any means my disbelief in the religion. By abandoning Christianity as a religion, I was also relinquishing any hold I may have wanted on Judaism or the Muslim faith since all three worship the same deity.

It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I've ever wondered or questioned my beliefs. I have spent the second half of my semester sitting in religion class every morning from 9:30 until 10:20, laughing at all the talk of how great their god is and how wonderful their religion is and all that stuff. Their comments made me think them idiots for believing in such absurdities. But then the girl I'd been hanging out with for a good chunk of the semester, also Christian and religious, said yes to being my girlfriend. While I've only known her for a few short months, strong feelings have developed. Feelings much stronger than anything I've felt in a long time. At first, I didn't know what to do with them. I tried to ignore them and push them aside; wishing to avoid getting any sort of attachment to anyone due to the fact that I was not returning and no one lived in my area. Having opposing religious views makes a relationship difficult, especially when both are devoted to their beliefs completely. While her views don't bother me a bit, so long as she does not try to force them down my throat, she's disappointed in my lack of faith. She struggles to see herself with a boy whom doesn't have faith in her god, or in Jesus. Which leads into the intended focus of this post. Never, since realizing and determining my own beliefs, have I ever doubted or questioned them. But for the first time, I've found myself questioning what I believe in, in a manner of speaking. I do not doubt the existence of God. I hold absolutely no belief in him and where I've never desired to believe in any sort of higher power, but this girl, she makes me want to believe in something. For a young woman, whom I've known for less than three months, I want to believe in some sort of higher power. I don't find the concept nearly as horrendous as I have in previous years. I'm young, rash, and stupid and many would argue I know very little about the ways of the world, but the very idea of disappointing her is completely awful. All I want in the here and now moment is to be with her, but if she needs someone with her god and her savior in their life, where does that put me? I want, maybe even need to be with her and it's this that is the driving force behind my questioning everything I have stood for all these years. But faith doesn't change on a whim, and due to unfortunate past experiences, I've got a strong desire to avoid Christianity as a religious faith.

I'm left with thoughts twisting and turning in my mind; churning around and tossing out conflicting ideas. I have several questions that continue to plague me, questions I wish I knew the answers to. Questions like what will happen to us? Where are we going to lead? How long will we stay together, if she needs someone with faith in his life? However, the only answer I have, and it is not the answer to any of these questions, is this: I love you, Erika.