I've spent most of my life living in the moment. I never enjoyed thinking about the future and the past is passed, so I always tried my best not to dwell on it. I've never doubted my beliefs or challenged my own ideas or way of thinking. And while I do not believe in any real religion, the closest I affiliate myself with is Atheism. Growing up in a loose Christian household, I was raised by semi-religious parents whom enjoyed forcing my elder brother and I to attend church every Sunday for far too many years. I realized at an early age that I despised these required weekly visits. They were dreadfully boring and quite stupid. At nine, ten, or maybe even eleven years old, I attended a Christian camp called Spring Hill. At the time, I thought I held belief in a god. I prayed with the other campers, but I wasn't devoted. It was more of a ritualistic obligation; a chore I completed so that I could move on. Around twelve or thirteen years of age, I realized why prayer was only an obligation and church attendance was a chore that I did not enjoy doing. The epiphany that hit my adolescent mind was this: I didn't believe in it. I held no belief that there was a god. Jesus 'Christ' may or may not have really existed - I couldn't and still can't say and really don't care whether he did or did not. On the off chance that 2000 years ago there was a guy named Jesus Christ who was born to parents named Mary and Joseph, despite the fact that these are Americanized names and not the Arabic cultural names of the time; I hold no belief that in the off-chance this person truly existed, that he was the son of 'god.' The idea of some higher power that directs and controls the flow of reality is such an absurd notion in my mind that I've never doubted or questioned by any means my disbelief in the religion. By abandoning Christianity as a religion, I was also relinquishing any hold I may have wanted on Judaism or the Muslim faith since all three worship the same deity.
It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I've ever wondered or questioned my beliefs. I have spent the second half of my semester sitting in religion class every morning from 9:30 until 10:20, laughing at all the talk of how great their god is and how wonderful their religion is and all that stuff. Their comments made me think them idiots for believing in such absurdities. But then the girl I'd been hanging out with for a good chunk of the semester, also Christian and religious, said yes to being my girlfriend. While I've only known her for a few short months, strong feelings have developed. Feelings much stronger than anything I've felt in a long time. At first, I didn't know what to do with them. I tried to ignore them and push them aside; wishing to avoid getting any sort of attachment to anyone due to the fact that I was not returning and no one lived in my area. Having opposing religious views makes a relationship difficult, especially when both are devoted to their beliefs completely. While her views don't bother me a bit, so long as she does not try to force them down my throat, she's disappointed in my lack of faith. She struggles to see herself with a boy whom doesn't have faith in her god, or in Jesus. Which leads into the intended focus of this post. Never, since realizing and determining my own beliefs, have I ever doubted or questioned them. But for the first time, I've found myself questioning what I believe in, in a manner of speaking. I do not doubt the existence of God. I hold absolutely no belief in him and where I've never desired to believe in any sort of higher power, but this girl, she makes me want to believe in something. For a young woman, whom I've known for less than three months, I want to believe in some sort of higher power. I don't find the concept nearly as horrendous as I have in previous years. I'm young, rash, and stupid and many would argue I know very little about the ways of the world, but the very idea of disappointing her is completely awful. All I want in the here and now moment is to be with her, but if she needs someone with her god and her savior in their life, where does that put me? I want, maybe even need to be with her and it's this that is the driving force behind my questioning everything I have stood for all these years. But faith doesn't change on a whim, and due to unfortunate past experiences, I've got a strong desire to avoid Christianity as a religious faith.
I'm left with thoughts twisting and turning in my mind; churning around and tossing out conflicting ideas. I have several questions that continue to plague me, questions I wish I knew the answers to. Questions like what will happen to us? Where are we going to lead? How long will we stay together, if she needs someone with faith in his life? However, the only answer I have, and it is not the answer to any of these questions, is this: I love you, Erika.
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