Lost, Damaged, and Broken

There are those in the social hierarchy that are considered "lost causes," or "damaged" even "broken." Sadly, people whom fit into such social categories are all too often rejected by much of society. But it is among the people who, like myself, are considered damaged by modern society that I find myself most comfortable and drawn to.

Introversion, social anxieties, emotional and physical scarring, and more recently, personality disorders. All too often, anyone with an ailment belonging in some way to the list above has trouble fitting into society. The things that act as deterrents to most people are things that only encourage myself and draw me closer to the person who is struggling. I don't always understand, but I'm always willing to try. When I seek to be a part of a person's life, even if pushed away, i can often be patient, and accept any outlash that isn't uncommon.

In my eyes, it's worth accepting those things, because under it all, the people i find are most often the best kind.

Beautiful.

Three weeks since I last wrote, time flies. I've thought about this post for some time, and have intended to write it for two weeks now, though I kept putting it off. And now that I'm finally writing, I don't remember what to say.

I noticed some time ago that you unblocked me on Facebook. I haven't the slightest clue why. I was scrolling through messages one day, and realized with amazement that your name was back on the message you sent me ages ago, instead of saying "Facebook User" like it had for the last 3 months, ever since you blocked me. I couldn't believe it. I immediately searched your name and found your profile, though I couldn't see anything you'd posted of course, but it sent me sky high in elation. Gods, you were still so beautiful. Though, despite the realization, I didn't dare let you know I'd noticed. I didn't even consider doing anything to give away that I'd picked up on it, for fear that you'd block me again. I only feel somewhat comfortable revealing it here, because I'm armed with the belief that you will never read this, MaKalea.

And during the last several weeks, since losing you; I've been trying to reach out more. I resorted to Tinder, looking for new friends to talk to. And after swiping through hundreds of Tinder profiles, there is one thing I can still say for certain; something you never believed when I told you. You are still the most beautiful girl I've met, or seen. No one can take my breath away at a glance the way you can; no one can make my heart skip a beat when I see her smile. You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

And while you're gone from my life, I love you no less now than I always have. I've wished upon everything I could think of and even took to praying to a god I don't believe in, asking for you to be returned to my life; knowing in my heart that you wouldn't. I miss you so much, MaKalea.

A Wavering Will

I have always believed myself to be strong willed. I endured years of pain and depression on my own. I lost every person and everything I'd cared about. I walked my path alone. I believed that I was indestructible. That is, until you, MaKalea.

Your presence in my life changed me. Having you by my side; feeling your friendship for so long altered my life. I thought I was strong until I came to love you, then I realized how weak I truly was.

It's been nearly a month since you left my life, and I'm honestly amazed I have lasted this long. It doesn't get easier knowing that you hate me. It doesn't get any better knowing that I'll never have you back in my life. So many things remind me of you, and every time you pop back into my head, tears flood my eyes. I struggle to hold myself together; wishing that I hadn't been such a fool to lose you. Wishing that things had been different.

Today, I finally released the last part of you that I had. I finally found the guts it took to mail back the books you loaned me three and a half months ago, along with a letter that I can only hope you'll take the time to read.

I know that you'll never read this, but I'll always love and care for you. You stole the largest piece of my heart, and it's a piece you'll keep for the rest of my life. Even if I find someone else, I struggle to believe that any woman entering my life will be able to compare to you; and that in your shadow, everyone will be but a pale comparison. I love you, now and always. A phrase I've said far too many times before, but never meant as strongly as I mean it when I say it to you.

A Voice to be Silenced

I spoke with MaKalea again the other day, and brought up my blog and it's posts again, asking if she'd bothered to see if I'd written anything else- she hadn't. But she looked after that and mentioned that my voice and writing seemed directed at her, in a vain hope that she may be reading my words.

And I realized she was right. Perhaps some part of me was still wishing that she may have cared about the thoughts I was pouring into this blog.

But now it's time for the voice to be silenced. I've relieved the thoughts that needed to be released; unleashing the words that eased my mind. Now that the pressure behind my conscious is minimized, I bid farewell to the company I created in myself through NeoLeoStory.

Surprising inspiration

I've been writing about my thoughts, and how I've been feeling for this last week. An unexpected hand reached out from my past, in the form of my now ex-girlfriend, Erika. She expressed her sympathy at what's been bringing me down and has me feeling so lost. It was what she said to me that gives me the inspiration to  write a little more about myself today.

And it now that I quote her words in today's post. She told me "if there is one thing I know about you, it is that you have more love to give than anyone else I have ever met. You love so fiercely and so exclusively that it makes you loyal to the death. Hopefully your friend will recognize that"

What strikes me so much about her words to me, is that I heard something similar from MaKalea before our fight that led to the separation of our friendship. She told me that she knew no one would ever love her as much as I do; that the reason she trusted me so much before was because I loved her so exclusively. Though, Erika is right. I give my loyalty wholly and completely to those I feel worth it.

Which leads me into the next note I have to say about myself. Though loyal, I also find myself fiercely possessive when it comes to the ones I love. I dislike sharing the people in my life. Which isn't fair to the people I care about, so I try not to let it bother me. But, it's hard. On top of my possessiveness, I am often times maddeningly jealous. It's difficult, getting as jealous as I've found myself sometimes. I've seen red, lost sight of the things I found important over what should have been no big deal.

It's a detrimental, horrible trait I carry inside me. And I've lost the people I care about because of it. It's something I wish I could change about myself; I just don't know how.

A conclusion

Last night I was given the opportunity to talk to her again. She messaged me back on Skype. It pains me to say that it did not go well. I told MaKalea how sorry I was for everything; how much i miss her and want to continue being friends.

As the night progressed, we were both up later than usual. She told me she was going to bed, but obviously didn't, since she was still on over an hour later. She doesn't want to be friends anymore- it seems this is it.

My last time fucking up was the last straw. I've lost my best friend and it hole it's ripping inside me is... immeasurable. It hurts; and I hate myself. I sit here trying to hold myself together, and it doesn't seem to be working.

Mastery of emotions

I've come to the realization that I must gain better control over my emotions. It seems that as of late I've been allowing them to show far too much. I glared at my instructor this afternoon and he flinched. And last night, another student told me I was the only one in the class with any intimidation factor, though he said it was mostly because he believed I would kill him when he looked at my eyes.

I don't know how to keep my eyes from betraying my thoughts.

A crack

After being  called into the SLPO's office this afternoon for falling asleep during mandatory study hours last night, I was forced to explain why I fell asleep, covering what a horrible weekend I'd had, and how I get no sleep when upset about something.

It was as I explained that I realized what a maelstrom of emotion I'd been bottling back, as it burst through me and had me breaking down entirely for a good ten minutes before a lack of air forced me to stop.

Letting some small amount of the torrential emotions welling within me was some relief, but it is also a problem. Though small comfort, it also but a crack in every defense I've put up within myself, and now I must patch the holes that have been made in my internal walls; keeping me above the figurative water.

The only other upside, was I know my resolve for bringing her back. I know that I will do anything to have my best friend back in my life. I will be patient, if that's what it takes. I will never give up on her again.

A decision

I've come to the realization that I've begun using my blog as a sorts of diary. It doesn't bother me, I merely need to express my inner thoughts somewhere, and the anonymity as well as the idea that someone may read my words is slightly comforting.

Late last night, as I lay in my bed, trying to sleep, but kept awake by the maddening ideas racing through my mind, I came to a conclusion. This weekend is president's day weekend. The base accepted a challenge from the Captain about a blood drive some weeks back, and won, so as a result we've got a four-day weekend.

The conclusion I reached is to get permission to drive up north, to make a surprise visit to my best friend. I cannot text her, as she was in the middle of getting a new number when we fought. I tried to email her, send her a message on skype. I'm unable to message her on facebook, as I'm blocked.

So, in my desperate attempt to apologize and hopefully reconcile with the person who means more than anything else to my life, I decided to drive three and a half hours north of where I am station to see her. It was all I could think about during my exam this morning and even now the thought of it leaves me shaking with nervousness at it, given that I have no idea how she may react to my sudden appearance.

My Shadow and my Voice

Never before have I felt so inexorably distant from the people I used to be friends with. I see all the people I once called friend on Facebook, and it reminds me of the past when I had friends who cared and I cared about as well. But with each passing day I feel ever more distant from the ones I'm still friends with; further withdrawing from their embrace.

I crave the kind of friendships I used to have, but the further that time progresses, the less I find myself willing to reach out to people. Each day that drags by leaves me feeling further and further alone. I have no one I can comfortably talk to about the thoughts racing through my mind at any given minute of the day, nor the feelings of confusion that distract me from studies.

I'm walking alone with no company but my shadow and my voice; however with each step I take on my dimmed path, my shadow grows shorter, and my voice more mute. Not because I find myself stepping into the light, but deeper into the darkness threatening, eating at my mind.

Even now, though I could reach out to the three people I have kept in contact with over the past year, I post about my issues in anonymity where I have but one possible viewer and no others who know who I am. This is not my plea for attention, simply my relieving thoughts permeating into my conscious.

A long time later

After losing interest in writing all those many months ago, I find myself drawn back to the comforting habit, which soothed my mind for many years.

What draws me back today, is the how lost I feel right now, after losing my best friend. We had a large argument Saturday night, which left me mostly sleepless, and another sleepless night on Sunday after a falling out that left us not speaking at all.

I've expended all my resources in an attempt to apologize, but my fear is that it's all for naught and will bear no fruit. I'm afraid that this lull in our friendship may be permanent and I'll never again speak to the person who came to mean so much to me.

During our argument Saturday evening, I said horrible things; things that I know I'll regret for the rest of my life. It's my wish, though it will likely never come true, to apologize and at least try to make up for the hurtful things I said. I was a fool for not realizing how much I cared for her, and that it took losing her as my friend entirely to show me what she meant to me.

And now as I sit here writing this instead of going to the gym to try to clear my mind, my thoughts I believed I could put on "paper" are coming out so muddled, and I find myself even more confused and distracted than before.