My cancer that isn't really cancer

When I first decided to attend Hope College, I knew that I wouldn't be completing a degree here. I knew that I would be dropping out after two years maximum due to the high costs and I didn't want a mountain of debt. After my first semester and at the start of the second semester, I realized something; I was barely going to make it through my first year and there was no way that a slacker like me could survive another year of schooling. It was at that time that I decided to push my plans forward and to not return the following year and instead made the decision to pursue my militaristic goals.

Now, when you've made the decision not to return to a school, it makes you not want to get involved with anyone. Not romantically, at least. And for the most part, I stuck by that. I figured, what ten or twelve weeks? I managed to go almost three years without getting involved with anyone, I can manage a single semester. However, early into this second semester, I noticed a girl in my language class. She was nice, rather pretty and quite cute. She sat next to me and talked to me in class. A slight crush developed at first, but I didn't really think much about it. I didn't think there was any way that I would develop real feelings, or that she might too.

Now, with only three weeks left of class, plus exam week, I really like this girl and she likes me too. We've been half-involved, not really sure where we were going. She recently asked me to read one of her favorite stories, called The Fault In Our Stars; a rather depressing book about a teenage girl with stage IV cancer. She meets a boy, they fall in love. He develops cancer again and it kills him. Oops -  spoiler alert.

Well, now that a lot of the background to this post is covered, I can finally conclude with my cancer that isn't really cancer. As I'm laying here in bed, after spending several hours with the rather incredible girl I like, I suddenly got hit with an idea that made perfect sense to me. She knows about my plans for the military and despite that we've known about each other feelings for I don't even know. It feels like a lot longer than it actually has been. For several days I've been asking her if there was the chance of us getting together - really getting together, not the half-relationship we'd been having. The reason we weren't is that I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. And that - that is my cancer. My cancer is my future plans, the plans that are taking me away from the girl I like, that were keeping us apart. No one wants to date the terminally-ill cancer kid because they're going to die and leave you feeling hurt by their loss.

So, if you were lost in the massive amount of text or what feels like a massive amount of text on my Android screen, my cancer that isn't really cancer is my plans to leave. But at least for now, she said yes. And I won't know if my cancer will kill me, or if I'll recover from it until the end of the school year. Metaphorically survive or die, of course. To expand, if I survive, we stay together; even as I leave. If I die, then we end our relationship with the school year. Cancer that isn't really cancer, why do you suck so much?