Twisted Thoughts and Conflicting Ideas

I've spent most of my life living in the moment. I never enjoyed thinking about the future and the past is passed, so I always tried my best not to dwell on it. I've never doubted my beliefs or challenged my own ideas or way of thinking. And while I do not believe in any real religion, the closest I affiliate myself with is Atheism. Growing up in a loose Christian household, I was raised by semi-religious parents whom enjoyed forcing my elder brother and I to attend church every Sunday for far too many years. I realized at an early age that I despised these required weekly visits. They were dreadfully boring and quite stupid. At nine, ten, or maybe even eleven years old, I attended a Christian camp called Spring Hill. At the time, I thought I held belief in a god. I prayed with the other campers, but I wasn't devoted. It was more of a ritualistic obligation; a chore I completed so that I could move on. Around twelve or thirteen years of age, I realized why prayer was only an obligation and church attendance was a chore that I did not enjoy doing. The epiphany that hit my adolescent mind was this: I didn't believe in it. I held no belief that there was a god. Jesus 'Christ' may or may not have really existed - I couldn't and still can't say and really don't care whether he did or did not. On the off chance that 2000 years ago there was a guy named Jesus Christ who was born to parents named Mary and Joseph, despite the fact that these are Americanized names and not the Arabic cultural names of the time; I hold no belief that in the off-chance this person truly existed, that he was the son of 'god.' The idea of some higher power that directs and controls the flow of reality is such an absurd notion in my mind that I've never doubted or questioned by any means my disbelief in the religion. By abandoning Christianity as a religion, I was also relinquishing any hold I may have wanted on Judaism or the Muslim faith since all three worship the same deity.

It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I've ever wondered or questioned my beliefs. I have spent the second half of my semester sitting in religion class every morning from 9:30 until 10:20, laughing at all the talk of how great their god is and how wonderful their religion is and all that stuff. Their comments made me think them idiots for believing in such absurdities. But then the girl I'd been hanging out with for a good chunk of the semester, also Christian and religious, said yes to being my girlfriend. While I've only known her for a few short months, strong feelings have developed. Feelings much stronger than anything I've felt in a long time. At first, I didn't know what to do with them. I tried to ignore them and push them aside; wishing to avoid getting any sort of attachment to anyone due to the fact that I was not returning and no one lived in my area. Having opposing religious views makes a relationship difficult, especially when both are devoted to their beliefs completely. While her views don't bother me a bit, so long as she does not try to force them down my throat, she's disappointed in my lack of faith. She struggles to see herself with a boy whom doesn't have faith in her god, or in Jesus. Which leads into the intended focus of this post. Never, since realizing and determining my own beliefs, have I ever doubted or questioned them. But for the first time, I've found myself questioning what I believe in, in a manner of speaking. I do not doubt the existence of God. I hold absolutely no belief in him and where I've never desired to believe in any sort of higher power, but this girl, she makes me want to believe in something. For a young woman, whom I've known for less than three months, I want to believe in some sort of higher power. I don't find the concept nearly as horrendous as I have in previous years. I'm young, rash, and stupid and many would argue I know very little about the ways of the world, but the very idea of disappointing her is completely awful. All I want in the here and now moment is to be with her, but if she needs someone with her god and her savior in their life, where does that put me? I want, maybe even need to be with her and it's this that is the driving force behind my questioning everything I have stood for all these years. But faith doesn't change on a whim, and due to unfortunate past experiences, I've got a strong desire to avoid Christianity as a religious faith.

I'm left with thoughts twisting and turning in my mind; churning around and tossing out conflicting ideas. I have several questions that continue to plague me, questions I wish I knew the answers to. Questions like what will happen to us? Where are we going to lead? How long will we stay together, if she needs someone with faith in his life? However, the only answer I have, and it is not the answer to any of these questions, is this: I love you, Erika.

Picky preferences and disgusting concoctions

Recently, I was asked what my favorite mix of flavors was. I didn't really have an answer other than I don't think I have a favorite mix. With food among other things, I tend to have picky preferences. Having fussy eating habits makes choosing which foods to take difficult. However, with limited tastes, you tend not to mix foods together since it could easily yield to a new, utterly disgusting and ungodly taste. It's not even that I'm just picky, however. I enjoy tasty foods, but almost everything I enjoy eating is bland. I eat pastas without sauce, only syrup on my pancakes, only sometimes ketchup with my chicken - depending on how it's cooked. I don't enjoy condiments which is only reinforced by my unusually low spice tolerance. Even regular old black pepper is too much for me to handle.

Eating habits aside - preferring my food unmixed and on its own; I have a tendency to play with my food. I've noticed over the course of this school year that whenever I'm not eating my food, I'm playing with it. Toying with my food is something I've probably always done - I can't really say I've ever really picked up on it until now, so maybe it's something that only started happening this year. As I play and toy with my food, since I'm done eating it, I begin mixing it; creating disgusting mixtures. The abominations I create with food are horrible disgusting, repulsive to even look at. That's only when I'm done with my food and waiting for the group I eat dinner with to be ready to leave.

And thus, I enter the third piece of this tale; mixing alcohols together to form revolting blends that shouldn't exist. Earlier in the year when alcohol was consumed more regularly we'd have a number of alcoholic beverages to sample. Our usual selection included UV Blue, white boxed wine, Long Island Iced Tea, and some other stuff. Occasionally sodas would be there too, for mixers and such. While I certainly enjoy just downing high-proof drinks to get drunk, there's something I enjoy much, much more. And that, is seeing just how disgusting of a drink I can mix together and then down it. While I'm picky about my foods and hate having them mix, I love mixing my liquors together into a probably much more potent and foul substance that probably can't even be considered a drink anymore. And after creating such a stomach-churning cocktail and hearing everyone tell me how it will make me vomit; I down it. Now usually, it's pretty gross. But on occasion, like the last time I went drinking, I make something quite nice. I certainly never expected Long Island, Vodka, Cranberry Juice, Sierra Mist, and something else I'm forgetting since I was shitfaced and drunk to the point of being unable to see at the time, to be so good.

Falsified Hopes, Fake Dreams, and Listless Aspirations

I write this in preparation of some future time. I'm sitting at home, bored and without much else to do but think and write. As of 6:46 PM EST on 4/5/2013 I have 137 views of my blog. While not many, my blog has only been up for approximately two weeks and I have no links or anything else to it. I'm not entirely sure how others have come across my blog, since the only way to find it on Google is to search my blog's name: NeoLeoStory. And let's face it, unless you've come to the blog already NeoLeoStory isn't a likely combination of words you're likely to type into Google.

I started my blog with the intent of sharing a story I started writing instead of participating in my religion class, but the layout used was not to my satisfaction and something spurred me to sharing other pieces of my writing. I've since turned it into a bit of a collection, posting old pieces of my writing that I was able to collect and adding new pieces that I wrote on a whim or for another class.

I've always had an affinity for words and piecing together thoughts into what most would consider a well-worded document or presentation. Essays and short stories have always been my favorite pieces to write although I dabbled in poetry for a number of months. Sadly I lost most of the poetry work I'd once completed. With a love for writing though, it was once a childish dream of mine to become an accomplished author, selling my work.

While my current traffic is low, I hope to continue to add more pieces to my blog, adding enough to generate page views. I wish to keep myself anonymous simply because I don't wish to be plagued by people if I do pick up popularity, but I'd love for my e-Name to gain momentum in the world of literature in the possibility that I may pursue some form of writing as a part-time job in the future.

The aforementioned possibility of pursuing a small, part-time writing job isn't likely though. As title might suggest, I've got false hopes, fake dreams, and listless aspirations. Meaning I don't have hopes, dreams, or aspirations to my life.

Conflicts, controversies, and other mundane fallacies

God. When one says the word 'god' almost every person in the world knows immediately which deity the person has mentioned. People pray to god every day, people ask of god multitudes of things each hour. Such a vast concept of a deity; several different religions even pray and worship the same god. So, something so well-known should have a set, stable idea or concept of what it is, no? To anyone that agrees, what is god? Who is god? Is god relative? Are my ideas of god and your ideas of god the same being; is he a mix of our beliefs, or is one of us wrong?

Many questions surround the idea of god. As an Atheist, I do not believe in any god. I have no belief in human souls or an afterlife of any sort. The idea of a higher power is a laughable idea in my mind. That there's some judgement that either damns whatever might be left of what was 'you' when you die is just ludicrous. However, despite my beliefs, or lack thereof, I do hold thoughts on the concepts of faith and of god. My thoughts of god and the faith surrounding him or her or whatever other gender there may be that people could associate with such a being,

Despite my non-belief in any god, I do know of the belief in god. However, it is my thoughts that there is no one 'God,' instead there is the idea of god. God does not exist, instead the God that so many people pray to in their religion is a relative idea; unique to each individual in how they interpret and explain god. Each person expresses their belief of who or what their god is in an individual way that is unique to them. And that is why god is a relative concept instead of a solid, static being.

If god were not relative, how would he or it represent each and every person's beliefs. If one held the belief that god was a benevolent, caring, loving deity, while someone else held the belief that god was a simple scientist observing his experiment, namely us, with no other thoughts or feelings other than the cold detachment only scientists can conjure; which would god be? Would god be both loving, caring, and nurturing and cold and detached at the same time?

Unless god is relative, he, she, it, is a contradiction in and of itself.

My cancer that isn't really cancer

When I first decided to attend Hope College, I knew that I wouldn't be completing a degree here. I knew that I would be dropping out after two years maximum due to the high costs and I didn't want a mountain of debt. After my first semester and at the start of the second semester, I realized something; I was barely going to make it through my first year and there was no way that a slacker like me could survive another year of schooling. It was at that time that I decided to push my plans forward and to not return the following year and instead made the decision to pursue my militaristic goals.

Now, when you've made the decision not to return to a school, it makes you not want to get involved with anyone. Not romantically, at least. And for the most part, I stuck by that. I figured, what ten or twelve weeks? I managed to go almost three years without getting involved with anyone, I can manage a single semester. However, early into this second semester, I noticed a girl in my language class. She was nice, rather pretty and quite cute. She sat next to me and talked to me in class. A slight crush developed at first, but I didn't really think much about it. I didn't think there was any way that I would develop real feelings, or that she might too.

Now, with only three weeks left of class, plus exam week, I really like this girl and she likes me too. We've been half-involved, not really sure where we were going. She recently asked me to read one of her favorite stories, called The Fault In Our Stars; a rather depressing book about a teenage girl with stage IV cancer. She meets a boy, they fall in love. He develops cancer again and it kills him. Oops -  spoiler alert.

Well, now that a lot of the background to this post is covered, I can finally conclude with my cancer that isn't really cancer. As I'm laying here in bed, after spending several hours with the rather incredible girl I like, I suddenly got hit with an idea that made perfect sense to me. She knows about my plans for the military and despite that we've known about each other feelings for I don't even know. It feels like a lot longer than it actually has been. For several days I've been asking her if there was the chance of us getting together - really getting together, not the half-relationship we'd been having. The reason we weren't is that I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. And that - that is my cancer. My cancer is my future plans, the plans that are taking me away from the girl I like, that were keeping us apart. No one wants to date the terminally-ill cancer kid because they're going to die and leave you feeling hurt by their loss.

So, if you were lost in the massive amount of text or what feels like a massive amount of text on my Android screen, my cancer that isn't really cancer is my plans to leave. But at least for now, she said yes. And I won't know if my cancer will kill me, or if I'll recover from it until the end of the school year. Metaphorically survive or die, of course. To expand, if I survive, we stay together; even as I leave. If I die, then we end our relationship with the school year. Cancer that isn't really cancer, why do you suck so much?