People have a saying "It's the little things in life." It's a phrase I've heard far too many times to count and never truly understood. But recent times have taught me the meaning. MaKalea has been on my mind more often lately than she has for the past year.
The thoughts typically range in the same area. I think about her, how beautiful she was, and doubtlessly still is. I wrote a long time ago that no one would come close to matching what she meant to me, and that any girl entering my life would pale in comparison- a pretty large promise. Though it's been true to this day so far. But along with how beautiful she is, I often think about how much I miss her. And I've found it's the little things I miss the most about our relationship. I miss holding her hand as we drove around; when she'd lay her head on my lap while we snuggled on the couch watching TV. Always petting her hair and sneaking into her room to lay together. Kissing her forehead or her hair. The little things.
Small things make the world go 'round and the meaning has finally become clear. I understand now, because I never realized how much I should have appreciated the little things or how much I loved them. Being in the Navy, I knew I'd never get to spend enough time with a girl I met. Especially one that didn't live in the same state as I did. So the weekends we spent together were my greatest treasure. Now, looking back, it was the littlest of things about the time I had with her that I loved the most. I remember asking her to stop hitting me all the time, and she once revealed to me that it was her excuse just to touch me. Words can't express how much I long for you to punch my arm again, or even just to see your smile; or your gorgeous eyes; to pet your hair, and to kiss your cheek. Holding your hand again is a dream I'll never realize.
You asked me if I still love you, and the answer will always be best. My feelings for you haven't faded at all; I love you as much today as I did so long ago. You make my heart skip beats, my stomach fills with butterflies. I can't think, and can hardly breath. Of course I still love you; if I've ever truly been in love, it was with you.
Stories and misc. writings
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Ghosts of Memories Past
This post is absolutely for you, MaKalea. I don't know when you'll read this, or what your reaction might be. I wish I had the courage to say this directly to you, but I still don't know how you feel about me anymore.
When you messaged me, apologising Sunday night, I didn't know what to expect. You showed me something though- you don't feel as negatively to me as I'd thought you would. You apologised, and even admitted to reading this blog.
Your messages exposed me to a feeling I didn't know I could still feel- hope. I couldn't hope you'd ever want me back in that sense; but I hoped you might be willing to be friends again one day. So, here I am to tell you, that if you should ever decide you want to be friend again, I'll not turn you away. I'd welcome you back into my life with arms open wider than for anyone else. There's no one I'd rather have back in my life than you- none of my previous best friends, nor my sisters from friendships passed.
Nothing would bring me more joy than knowing you'd be my friend again. I couldn't push you away if you ever decided to step back into my life. And if you decide to, I can only promise never to take you for granted again. It's a lesson I learned all to harshly before.
With only love, I can only hope to hear from you again.
When you messaged me, apologising Sunday night, I didn't know what to expect. You showed me something though- you don't feel as negatively to me as I'd thought you would. You apologised, and even admitted to reading this blog.
Your messages exposed me to a feeling I didn't know I could still feel- hope. I couldn't hope you'd ever want me back in that sense; but I hoped you might be willing to be friends again one day. So, here I am to tell you, that if you should ever decide you want to be friend again, I'll not turn you away. I'd welcome you back into my life with arms open wider than for anyone else. There's no one I'd rather have back in my life than you- none of my previous best friends, nor my sisters from friendships passed.
Nothing would bring me more joy than knowing you'd be my friend again. I couldn't push you away if you ever decided to step back into my life. And if you decide to, I can only promise never to take you for granted again. It's a lesson I learned all to harshly before.
With only love, I can only hope to hear from you again.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Titles are stupid anyways
Today was a day expected to be like any other. I was tired early in the evening, after getting the routine maybe 5 hours of sleep the night before. I'd laid down for bed early, but by some twist of fate, or sheer coincidence, I was pulled from sleep's dark clutches by my bladder. Habit is as habit goes, and the first thing I did was check my phone. I was surprised to see that I had Messenger notifications waiting for me; no one I'd ever messaged cared enough to even consider messaging me back. After draining my bladder, I came back and was even further surprised to see the message from MaKalea, just saying "I'm sorry"
A bigger shock couldn't have hit me in that moment. The majority of the past year has been spent believing that I was some forbidden, taboo topic; that the very idea of me was pushed into the back of a metaphorical drawer and locked away. To suddenly have the one person I've wanted nothing more than to hear from again for twelve months suddenly out of the blue and message me, saying nothing less than she's sorry hit me like a sack of bricks. I was frankly stunned at first.
Though short-lived, our conversation tonight was the best I've had in a long time; a more pleasant surprise than anything else I could have ever thought of asking for. During which, you mentioned this old, not-so-private diary of mine. I've tried to avoid it since leaving the suicidal mindset I adopted after having you torn from my life, since it was filled with thoughts, emotions, and memories of both you and what I was like after your loss. And in the end, this particular post is as much for you as for myself. I was trying to go back to sleep and thoughts of things to write flashed through my mind. I couldn't help but think I'd miss out on something important if I didn't get up and write something tonight.
As it was, there were so many more things I wished I could have said to you tonight. You apologised for hurting me back then, but there's nothing to forgive. I'd never held it against you. In my mind, I had always considered myself the "bad guy" for reacting so poorly; held myself as the sole cause of our collapse. I shouldered all of the blame and only deserved what I got.
I don't know how to tell this next part of my story without sounding like I'm pointing fingers. I don't mean to; I'm not trying to guilt trip. I just want a portion of my story to be told after so long. Losing you didn't just hurt me; it tore me apart and broke the foundation of who I was. Broken so completely, I didn't know anything anymore. I turned on everyone around me; lashed out at anyone who even looked at me. Looking back, I was almost feral sometimes. I recall an instructor of mine who was just walking around the classroom approached me. I shot him a glare filled with so much malice it caused him to flinch.
It took months to recover portions of myself. Nearly six before I had left the suicidal stage. Not that I ever tried to actively commit suicide; but I wished for freakish scenarios that would have left no chance of surviving. I managed to piece parts of myself together; enough to mostly function. But I'd lost core components of what it mans to be human. People ceased being people to me; they were just objects in my path. They held no value. I couldn't connect with them if I tried; and I didn't care to. I'd lost the range of emotions that had previously let. me. I was left with nothing but bitter, consuming anger all the time. Though certain things will trigger emotional response; they're often old feelings- more memory than active feeling. Some strong enough that I can't function when they occur. Certain songs; portions of the road I used to travel when visiting you. Pictures, thoughts, certain phrases. Most of them remind me of you; and I'm filled with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I just shut down. Most of it doesn't bother me anymore though. The exception being Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. It's the one trigger that never fails, and it excels.
Self-pity story over; I'll end my post as both testament to myself, my feelings, and to you. The same way I've ended several previous posts. I hope you'll see this soon; given that I wrote tonight for the both of us.
I still love you, MaKalea. More than any one person probably should love another. The feelings I have for you are so intense, I can't help but believe that I'll never forget you; and that I'll never stop loving you, just as I promised so long ago. I still miss you horribly, and you gave me the one thing I never expected to receive tonight. I've wished more times than I can count that you'd step into my life in some way; and tonight you did, for however short of a time it was. The elation was like nothing I can describe. I mentioned sometimes looking at your profile; the truth is that you're still the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I love you still, I love you always.
photo credit: October 30, 2014.
A bigger shock couldn't have hit me in that moment. The majority of the past year has been spent believing that I was some forbidden, taboo topic; that the very idea of me was pushed into the back of a metaphorical drawer and locked away. To suddenly have the one person I've wanted nothing more than to hear from again for twelve months suddenly out of the blue and message me, saying nothing less than she's sorry hit me like a sack of bricks. I was frankly stunned at first.
Though short-lived, our conversation tonight was the best I've had in a long time; a more pleasant surprise than anything else I could have ever thought of asking for. During which, you mentioned this old, not-so-private diary of mine. I've tried to avoid it since leaving the suicidal mindset I adopted after having you torn from my life, since it was filled with thoughts, emotions, and memories of both you and what I was like after your loss. And in the end, this particular post is as much for you as for myself. I was trying to go back to sleep and thoughts of things to write flashed through my mind. I couldn't help but think I'd miss out on something important if I didn't get up and write something tonight.
As it was, there were so many more things I wished I could have said to you tonight. You apologised for hurting me back then, but there's nothing to forgive. I'd never held it against you. In my mind, I had always considered myself the "bad guy" for reacting so poorly; held myself as the sole cause of our collapse. I shouldered all of the blame and only deserved what I got.
I don't know how to tell this next part of my story without sounding like I'm pointing fingers. I don't mean to; I'm not trying to guilt trip. I just want a portion of my story to be told after so long. Losing you didn't just hurt me; it tore me apart and broke the foundation of who I was. Broken so completely, I didn't know anything anymore. I turned on everyone around me; lashed out at anyone who even looked at me. Looking back, I was almost feral sometimes. I recall an instructor of mine who was just walking around the classroom approached me. I shot him a glare filled with so much malice it caused him to flinch.
It took months to recover portions of myself. Nearly six before I had left the suicidal stage. Not that I ever tried to actively commit suicide; but I wished for freakish scenarios that would have left no chance of surviving. I managed to piece parts of myself together; enough to mostly function. But I'd lost core components of what it mans to be human. People ceased being people to me; they were just objects in my path. They held no value. I couldn't connect with them if I tried; and I didn't care to. I'd lost the range of emotions that had previously let. me. I was left with nothing but bitter, consuming anger all the time. Though certain things will trigger emotional response; they're often old feelings- more memory than active feeling. Some strong enough that I can't function when they occur. Certain songs; portions of the road I used to travel when visiting you. Pictures, thoughts, certain phrases. Most of them remind me of you; and I'm filled with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I just shut down. Most of it doesn't bother me anymore though. The exception being Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. It's the one trigger that never fails, and it excels.
Self-pity story over; I'll end my post as both testament to myself, my feelings, and to you. The same way I've ended several previous posts. I hope you'll see this soon; given that I wrote tonight for the both of us.
I still love you, MaKalea. More than any one person probably should love another. The feelings I have for you are so intense, I can't help but believe that I'll never forget you; and that I'll never stop loving you, just as I promised so long ago. I still miss you horribly, and you gave me the one thing I never expected to receive tonight. I've wished more times than I can count that you'd step into my life in some way; and tonight you did, for however short of a time it was. The elation was like nothing I can describe. I mentioned sometimes looking at your profile; the truth is that you're still the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I love you still, I love you always.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Lost, Damaged, and Broken
There are those in the social hierarchy that are considered "lost causes," or "damaged" even "broken." Sadly, people whom fit into such social categories are all too often rejected by much of society. But it is among the people who, like myself, are considered damaged by modern society that I find myself most comfortable and drawn to.
Introversion, social anxieties, emotional and physical scarring, and more recently, personality disorders. All too often, anyone with an ailment belonging in some way to the list above has trouble fitting into society. The things that act as deterrents to most people are things that only encourage myself and draw me closer to the person who is struggling. I don't always understand, but I'm always willing to try. When I seek to be a part of a person's life, even if pushed away, i can often be patient, and accept any outlash that isn't uncommon.
In my eyes, it's worth accepting those things, because under it all, the people i find are most often the best kind.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Beautiful.
Three weeks since I last wrote, time flies. I've thought about this post for some time, and have intended to write it for two weeks now, though I kept putting it off. And now that I'm finally writing, I don't remember what to say.
I noticed some time ago that you unblocked me on Facebook. I haven't the slightest clue why. I was scrolling through messages one day, and realized with amazement that your name was back on the message you sent me ages ago, instead of saying "Facebook User" like it had for the last 3 months, ever since you blocked me. I couldn't believe it. I immediately searched your name and found your profile, though I couldn't see anything you'd posted of course, but it sent me sky high in elation. Gods, you were still so beautiful. Though, despite the realization, I didn't dare let you know I'd noticed. I didn't even consider doing anything to give away that I'd picked up on it, for fear that you'd block me again. I only feel somewhat comfortable revealing it here, because I'm armed with the belief that you will never read this, MaKalea.
And during the last several weeks, since losing you; I've been trying to reach out more. I resorted to Tinder, looking for new friends to talk to. And after swiping through hundreds of Tinder profiles, there is one thing I can still say for certain; something you never believed when I told you. You are still the most beautiful girl I've met, or seen. No one can take my breath away at a glance the way you can; no one can make my heart skip a beat when I see her smile. You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
And while you're gone from my life, I love you no less now than I always have. I've wished upon everything I could think of and even took to praying to a god I don't believe in, asking for you to be returned to my life; knowing in my heart that you wouldn't. I miss you so much, MaKalea.
I noticed some time ago that you unblocked me on Facebook. I haven't the slightest clue why. I was scrolling through messages one day, and realized with amazement that your name was back on the message you sent me ages ago, instead of saying "Facebook User" like it had for the last 3 months, ever since you blocked me. I couldn't believe it. I immediately searched your name and found your profile, though I couldn't see anything you'd posted of course, but it sent me sky high in elation. Gods, you were still so beautiful. Though, despite the realization, I didn't dare let you know I'd noticed. I didn't even consider doing anything to give away that I'd picked up on it, for fear that you'd block me again. I only feel somewhat comfortable revealing it here, because I'm armed with the belief that you will never read this, MaKalea.
And during the last several weeks, since losing you; I've been trying to reach out more. I resorted to Tinder, looking for new friends to talk to. And after swiping through hundreds of Tinder profiles, there is one thing I can still say for certain; something you never believed when I told you. You are still the most beautiful girl I've met, or seen. No one can take my breath away at a glance the way you can; no one can make my heart skip a beat when I see her smile. You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
And while you're gone from my life, I love you no less now than I always have. I've wished upon everything I could think of and even took to praying to a god I don't believe in, asking for you to be returned to my life; knowing in my heart that you wouldn't. I miss you so much, MaKalea.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
A Wavering Will
I have always believed myself to be strong willed. I endured years of pain and depression on my own. I lost every person and everything I'd cared about. I walked my path alone. I believed that I was indestructible. That is, until you, MaKalea.
Your presence in my life changed me. Having you by my side; feeling your friendship for so long altered my life. I thought I was strong until I came to love you, then I realized how weak I truly was.
It's been nearly a month since you left my life, and I'm honestly amazed I have lasted this long. It doesn't get easier knowing that you hate me. It doesn't get any better knowing that I'll never have you back in my life. So many things remind me of you, and every time you pop back into my head, tears flood my eyes. I struggle to hold myself together; wishing that I hadn't been such a fool to lose you. Wishing that things had been different.
Today, I finally released the last part of you that I had. I finally found the guts it took to mail back the books you loaned me three and a half months ago, along with a letter that I can only hope you'll take the time to read.
I know that you'll never read this, but I'll always love and care for you. You stole the largest piece of my heart, and it's a piece you'll keep for the rest of my life. Even if I find someone else, I struggle to believe that any woman entering my life will be able to compare to you; and that in your shadow, everyone will be but a pale comparison. I love you, now and always. A phrase I've said far too many times before, but never meant as strongly as I mean it when I say it to you.
Your presence in my life changed me. Having you by my side; feeling your friendship for so long altered my life. I thought I was strong until I came to love you, then I realized how weak I truly was.
It's been nearly a month since you left my life, and I'm honestly amazed I have lasted this long. It doesn't get easier knowing that you hate me. It doesn't get any better knowing that I'll never have you back in my life. So many things remind me of you, and every time you pop back into my head, tears flood my eyes. I struggle to hold myself together; wishing that I hadn't been such a fool to lose you. Wishing that things had been different.
Today, I finally released the last part of you that I had. I finally found the guts it took to mail back the books you loaned me three and a half months ago, along with a letter that I can only hope you'll take the time to read.
I know that you'll never read this, but I'll always love and care for you. You stole the largest piece of my heart, and it's a piece you'll keep for the rest of my life. Even if I find someone else, I struggle to believe that any woman entering my life will be able to compare to you; and that in your shadow, everyone will be but a pale comparison. I love you, now and always. A phrase I've said far too many times before, but never meant as strongly as I mean it when I say it to you.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
A Voice to be Silenced
I spoke with MaKalea again the other day, and brought up my blog and it's posts again, asking if she'd bothered to see if I'd written anything else- she hadn't. But she looked after that and mentioned that my voice and writing seemed directed at her, in a vain hope that she may be reading my words.
And I realized she was right. Perhaps some part of me was still wishing that she may have cared about the thoughts I was pouring into this blog.
But now it's time for the voice to be silenced. I've relieved the thoughts that needed to be released; unleashing the words that eased my mind. Now that the pressure behind my conscious is minimized, I bid farewell to the company I created in myself through NeoLeoStory.
And I realized she was right. Perhaps some part of me was still wishing that she may have cared about the thoughts I was pouring into this blog.
But now it's time for the voice to be silenced. I've relieved the thoughts that needed to be released; unleashing the words that eased my mind. Now that the pressure behind my conscious is minimized, I bid farewell to the company I created in myself through NeoLeoStory.
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