A bigger shock couldn't have hit me in that moment. The majority of the past year has been spent believing that I was some forbidden, taboo topic; that the very idea of me was pushed into the back of a metaphorical drawer and locked away. To suddenly have the one person I've wanted nothing more than to hear from again for twelve months suddenly out of the blue and message me, saying nothing less than she's sorry hit me like a sack of bricks. I was frankly stunned at first.
Though short-lived, our conversation tonight was the best I've had in a long time; a more pleasant surprise than anything else I could have ever thought of asking for. During which, you mentioned this old, not-so-private diary of mine. I've tried to avoid it since leaving the suicidal mindset I adopted after having you torn from my life, since it was filled with thoughts, emotions, and memories of both you and what I was like after your loss. And in the end, this particular post is as much for you as for myself. I was trying to go back to sleep and thoughts of things to write flashed through my mind. I couldn't help but think I'd miss out on something important if I didn't get up and write something tonight.
As it was, there were so many more things I wished I could have said to you tonight. You apologised for hurting me back then, but there's nothing to forgive. I'd never held it against you. In my mind, I had always considered myself the "bad guy" for reacting so poorly; held myself as the sole cause of our collapse. I shouldered all of the blame and only deserved what I got.
I don't know how to tell this next part of my story without sounding like I'm pointing fingers. I don't mean to; I'm not trying to guilt trip. I just want a portion of my story to be told after so long. Losing you didn't just hurt me; it tore me apart and broke the foundation of who I was. Broken so completely, I didn't know anything anymore. I turned on everyone around me; lashed out at anyone who even looked at me. Looking back, I was almost feral sometimes. I recall an instructor of mine who was just walking around the classroom approached me. I shot him a glare filled with so much malice it caused him to flinch.
It took months to recover portions of myself. Nearly six before I had left the suicidal stage. Not that I ever tried to actively commit suicide; but I wished for freakish scenarios that would have left no chance of surviving. I managed to piece parts of myself together; enough to mostly function. But I'd lost core components of what it mans to be human. People ceased being people to me; they were just objects in my path. They held no value. I couldn't connect with them if I tried; and I didn't care to. I'd lost the range of emotions that had previously let. me. I was left with nothing but bitter, consuming anger all the time. Though certain things will trigger emotional response; they're often old feelings- more memory than active feeling. Some strong enough that I can't function when they occur. Certain songs; portions of the road I used to travel when visiting you. Pictures, thoughts, certain phrases. Most of them remind me of you; and I'm filled with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I just shut down. Most of it doesn't bother me anymore though. The exception being Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. It's the one trigger that never fails, and it excels.
Self-pity story over; I'll end my post as both testament to myself, my feelings, and to you. The same way I've ended several previous posts. I hope you'll see this soon; given that I wrote tonight for the both of us.
I still love you, MaKalea. More than any one person probably should love another. The feelings I have for you are so intense, I can't help but believe that I'll never forget you; and that I'll never stop loving you, just as I promised so long ago. I still miss you horribly, and you gave me the one thing I never expected to receive tonight. I've wished more times than I can count that you'd step into my life in some way; and tonight you did, for however short of a time it was. The elation was like nothing I can describe. I mentioned sometimes looking at your profile; the truth is that you're still the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I love you still, I love you always.
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